Just Fake Enough to Pay My Bills

Today was my first day off work in 26 days.  My last day off was after 19 days in a row.  My next day off will be 20 days from now.  I only have two days off for the rest of the year after that.  But at least I have two jobs.

It sucks to have to work like this.  But I am grateful to have work, as underemployed and underpaid as I am.  But I’m not sure how much longer this can continue.  I am going to crack at some point.  I am trying to find something better, at least something that pays better that I won’t hate too much, something that will allow me at least one day off a week.  But I am not optimistic.  Things are not going to get better any time soon in this country.

So I will continue to work these jobs and be careful with my money and try to rewrite my resume to apply for the few opportunities I find.  I will continue to be honest and hardworking and happy to be able to just barely pay my bills.  What else can I do?  As long as I am able to support myself I will not complain that life sucks, because it can always be worse.   

This is not the life my grandparents imagined their grandchildren would have.  This is not why they came to America.  This is not why they sacrificed and struggled.  But I fucked around a lot when I was younger, I didn’t stay focused.  I have only myself to blame.  All the stupid shit I used to do, all the partying and mouthing off to bosses and customers, that’s my fault.  It sucks that my shitty job history is a huge part of what prevents me from being considered from better jobs.  What can I do about that?  Not a thing.  So I have to just deal with it.  It’s another sign that I am supposed to create my own opportunities.  I am not meant to work for other people.  I will consider myself successful when I don’t have to punch anyone else’s time card to make a living.

Having today off was a blessing.  I spent the entire day in the kitchen.  I made chicken stock and baba ghannouj from scratch, plus I made apple and pear croissants with brie and spices.  I put up a few pictures that have been sitting on my floor since I moved in here almost four months ago.  It was a lovely day to myself.  But that makes it far more difficult to return to work tomorrow.  I am not going to be a happy fucking camper.  But I will be just fake enough so I can keep paying my bills.