Do not force others to adopt your views

Do not force others, including children, by any means whatsoever, to adopt your views, whether by authority, threat, money, propaganda, or even education.  However, through compassionate dialogue, help others renounce fanaticism and narrowness.

…It is the spirit of free inquiry.  I think Westerners can accept this, because you understand it.  If you can find a way to organize it globally, it will be a happy event for the world.

The Wisdom of Thich Nhat Hanh

 

Thinking about all the mudslinging, protests, and general negativity involved in political and social discourse in this country, this quote shows the faith that Thich Nhat Hanh has in us to work through our differences in a more compassionate, rational fashion.  It doesn’t seem possible to have a meaningful discussion with people who yell at the president in the middle of an address to a joint session of Congress, citizens who scream words like socialist and Nazi to those who believe in health care for everyone, or religious zealots who shout homophobic slurs at funerals of those who die of AIDS.  Those who engage in such behaviour are not interested in getting others to understand their ideas, they just want to be the loudest and get the most attention.  They are not interested in dialogue.  They are not interested in democracy.  They use scare tactics, they use controversy, and they don’t care who they hurt.  The thing is, those who behave like that are really hurting their cause–and themselves. 

Teaching our children to be compassionate, free-thinking, decent people should be an easy enough concept for everyone to wrap their heads around.  But so many people raise their kids to be mini-me, clones of everything they think and do, instead of being proud that they are just good people who have the ability to reason and make independent decisions that might be the opposite of what their parents think.  You certainly instill your views in your children, but more importantly what I think is essential is to make sure that they can think for themselves.  I certainly hope my kids don’t grow up to believe in everything I stand against (homophobia, racism, misogyny, Republicanism, etc.), but I want them to think reasonably about society’s issues, I want them to research and come to their opinions in an intelligent fashion.  I hope that everyone does these things instead of forming their political and life’s philosophies from Sarah Palin’s Facebook page, Glenn Beck’s crappy TV show, or Heidi Montag’s endorsements (extra points for you if you have no idea who Heidi Montag is!). 

Only through compassionate dialogue can we really make any change.  We have to resolve to be happy and peaceful in our own minds before we can conduct ourselves with compassion and respect for others and their views.  In recent weeks, I have had many debates with friends and strangers over various political and social issues, and sometimes the discussion got ugly, though not with those I actually knew.  I don’t want to have knock-down, drag-out fights with anyone, really, but especially not with those whom I call friends.  But at least the friends I have argued with know what they are talking about, their arguments have been based on fact and not simple passion.  I have tried to explain why I think the way I do to those whom I do not know personally, but they usually resorted to name-calling when confronted with the facts.  Not knowing these people all I have to go on is what they said and the way they said it.  I can come across as a know-it-all, condescending, and holier-than-thou, and I am aware of that.  Sometimes people do not use the rights words when they present their argument, they do not have any facts to back them up, and they just seem angry at the world more than anything.  It’s difficult to reason with people like that sometimes, and I can’t usually contain myself when correcting their bad grammar and spelling and their lack of evidence.  I never call anyone names, I never assume anything about them.  I try to be reasonable with them, but I don’t usually get that in return.  I am not trying to get them to change their opinion, necessarily, but I am really trying to understand their argument.  Unless I understand someone’s argument I cannot say whether I agree or not.  Not everyone is very articulate, but that does not mean they cannot get their point across in an effective manner.    

I’m not sure about the education part of this quote, unless he is referring to schools that indoctrinate children into believing in a particular political or religious view.  Education can mean many things, but if he’s referring to formal education then I agree.  But you have to educate your children, you have to educate others around you about issues about which you care deeply that they may have no idea about.  But we must be careful about how we present our views sometimes, because what we may see as sharing a simple opinion may be seen by others as forcing our ideas on them.  Compassionate dialogue is a wonderful concept.  I am extremely passionate about my views and try to get others to understand, but that is different from trying to get everyone to think like me (though I’m not always sure that that would be such a bad thing!).  The fanaticism and narrowness which are in such abundant supply in 2009 America are startling, but in a democracy are things we must work through as individuals committed to compassionate dialogue that is based on respect for others and the good of all. 

Meaningless knowledge

For as long as a fool displays meaningless knowledge, it will fall back on his head to destroy what goodness he has.

Buddha, speaking in the Bamboo Grove, from the Dhammapada

 

This quote reminds me of all the blathering idiots who are yellin’ and screamin’  and callin’ President Obama a socialist/communist/Nazi/Muslim/immigrant.  They have no evidence of their claims yet they shout loudly enough so that their voices are heard over those who speak reasonably.  It is an exciting time to be an American, but also one of the most ridiculous times in our nation’s history.

 

Ugh.  Well, God bless America!  At least these assholes have the right to say the stupid shit they say.

Your own faults

It is easy to see the faults of others, but your own are difficult to see.  You carefully sift through others’ faults but you hide your own like loaded dice.

Buddha, spoken in the city of Bhadrā, from the Dhammapada

I like to read this as Buddha’s way of saying that if you focused on your own business you wouldn’t have time to worry about other people’s.  It’s not pleasant to admit our own faults, and it’s just more fun to criticize others and tell them about themselves.  But I’ve realized that many people who have a lot to say about other people are really pointing out the things they are hiding in themselves.  When I broke up with a friend after a long and unhealthy relationship he began to accuse me of all kinds of ridiculous, shallow things.  It did not upset me because I know who I am, and because I knew immediately he was projecting his issues onto me.  I kind of laughed about it but at the same time I felt sad for him that he thinks he is so flawless that he can talk about other people. 

And I love the “loaded dice” reference, because I can see that coming into fruition with people like that.  The more they talk about others and think that they are distracting everyone from their own faults, the more they are creating a powder keg which will eventually explode and injure many innocent people.  It is better to be humble and acknowledge our imperfections, to work to overcome obstacles and negative behaviours, and to be compassionate toward those who feel that putting down other people will make them look better.  Talking shit makes you dirty, and it gives you bad breath.

Abandon anger

Abandon anger, abandon pride!  Leave all obstacles far behind.  Unattracted to what has name and form, you will not sink into sorrow.

Buddha, speaking to Rohiṇī in the Nyagrodha Park, from the Dhammapada

 

Anger and pride really do come from the same place, and I never realized that until I read this just now.  I’ve read it before but I guess it never resonated in that way. 

Some people criticize Buddhism because of its emphasis on non-attachment.  Christians especially see it as avoiding loving relationships, but that really is not what it means.  When I first started studying Buddhism seriously I had a problem with that myself, because I am a very passionate woman who forms deep attachments to people.  I have been deeply disappointed by people I love, and my heart has been broken.  The way I understand non-attachment is not that we should avoid caring for others; Buddhism, like Christianity and all other major religions, places great importance on charitable works.  What we need to be careful about is to not become attached to our own ideas of who others are or should be.  When they fail to live up to our often unrealistic expectations we become angry and depressed.  In order to minimize such feelings we must be willing to see others for who they are.  Our needs may be realistic in general, but they may be unrealistic to expect of others.  Our attachment to those expectations can cause pain not only to ourselves but to those of whom we may expect more than is possible for them to provide.

Our pride can prevent us from admitting when we are wrong, and than can result in misunderstandings that can be quite destructive to ourselves and to our relationships.  This can make us angry.  I have often felt upset with myself when I demand something from a friend that they are unwilling or unable to give.  I have been mad at bosses and people at work, customers, and even when I’m wrong I want to blame them.  That pride is deadly.  It kept me in jobs I hated, relationships that were not working. 

 If we can learn to accept ourselves, faults and all, we will be more willing and able to accept others as is.  There are things that are not acceptable, like physical or mental abuse and addiction, and in those cases we must realize that our personal safety and emotional well-being are most important and we need to remove ourselves from the situation.  There are basic things that all human beings need from people they care about:  time, honesty, unconditional love.  The ways in which those things are expressed vary, but they are essential to living a full, happy life. 

Obstacles are what create unhappiness.  Unhealthy attachments are obstacles.  They are not always easy to recognize and are never easy to rid ourselves of.  But the more obstacles we remove from our path the clearer the path becomes.  Sinking into sorrow is less likely once we know who we are and are mindful of who others are as well.  Abandoning the negativity is the only way to achieve enlightenment.

 

The Sword

Put your sword back into its place; for all those who take the sword will perish by the sword.

 

Matthew 26:52

 

This is so wise and applies to so many situations.  I can see this is the crackpots screaming at their Senators over healthcare, and in those assholes bringing loaded weapons to watch the President speak.  It applies to people I know who like to throw mud at others but who are getting slower when they attempt to duck when it’s thrown in their direction.  This is a sort of Christian version of karma.  Be careful what you do because it will always come back to you in some way, good or bad.  But if you do something shitty, expect something equally shitty to come your way.  You deserve it.

 

With time, change will come

In daily practice, reflect on the benefits of love, compassion, kindness, and so forth, then reflect on the disadvantage on anger.  Such continuous thoughtful contemplation, the growing appreciation of love, revivifying and increasing–all have the effect of lessening our affinity for hatred and gaining our respect for love.  Through the force of this understanding, even anger will change its aspect and be diminished.

This is the way to practice; with time, mental attitudes can change.  All good qualities have to be sown and cultivated over months and years.  You cannot expect to go to sleep tonight as an ordinary person and rise tomorrow with high realization.

 

His Holiness the Dalai Lama, How to Expand Love: Widening the Circle of Loving Relationships

 

 

Impatience, as we learned from Romeo, is a tragic flaw.  Patience is truly a virtue, and when we are making changes in our lives we need to be mindful of that.  We are all evolving every day whether we are aware of it or not, and those changes are not always evident until months or even years have passed.  It has been a year and a half since I made a conscious decision to change my life for the better, to reprioritize, to rid myself of negative thought patterns and behaviours.  When I look back at where I was two years ago I am amazed at how far I have come.  I have the same values I always have, but I live them every day more fully than ever before.  I am happier than ever before.  I have more direction than ever before.  And I recognize the love that surrounds me more than I ever did before.   

I wonder about those who are no longer part of my life, if they have changed any, if they have experienced any epiphanies or breakdowns that led them in a new direction.  I wonder about them, but I do not let them consume me.  That is one of the biggest changes for me.  I am focused on myself now, not other peoples’ dramas and insecurities.  It took me a very long time to realize that I was always trying to fix other people so I could avoid my own issues.  When I stopped drinking I realized that, and everything became clear.  But it did not become clear overnight.  The longer I went without drinking, without contact with those with whom I had become unhealthily obsessed, the longer I spent away from those negative influences the more I understood myself and what my patterns are. 

Looking back on the past few years I am struck by how content I am to just hang out at home, alone, or to talk on the phone with close friends.  I no longer feel the need to be out all the time, drunk, the center of attention.  And that’s the thing: I do like to go out sometimes, but I don’t need to be out.  I am not insecure like that anymore, afraid that unless I was out there all the time people would forget me and I wouldn’t be a star anymore!  I really don’t care about that shit anymore.  When I do make a rare public appearance I have fun, I see people who are happy to see me, and I go home early.  I don’t crave that attention these days.  It took me a long time to realize how much I depended upon it to define who I am.  That was a rude awakening, let me tell you. 

Since I began to meditate last summer I have learned to be more patient, particularly with myself.  That is really helpful, and one of the great things I have learned from Buddhism, that it all boils down to how you see yourself.  I have more compassion for those who piss me off–compassion replaced my anger, though anger is normal and necessary in some cases.  But it is certainly not healthy or helpful to stay angry forever.  My meditation practice was a life saver last year, and I can see the benefits in my daily life now.  It is called “practice” because you need to work on it regularly to see the effects, just like with yoga.  Nothing worthwhile changes easily or quickly.  I am grateful for that.  My attitude about myself, about life, and about the world has shifted, and it was a long and complicated road.  There is still much work to be done, and I am grateful for the opportunity to continue my journey.  I am equally grateful that I am able to recognize  how far I have come; that is truly a blessing.

The harm you do is your own doing

The harm you do is your own doing; you create your emotional problems yourself.  You yourself can turn from wrongdoing; only you can purify you.  Pure or impure, it is yours to choose, for no one can purify another.

Buddha, spoken in the Jetavana Grove concerning Kāla the younger, from the Dhammapada

 

It took me a very long time to figure this out, but it makes complete sense.  For most people with emotional issues it boils down to attitude.  How do you handle things?  How do you view the world?  How do you feel about yourself?  There are, of course, people with serious psychological problems who need extensive treatment and medication, and who likely require such things for their whole lives.  I have no statistics but I would guess that the majority of people in therapy and on meds for depression and anxiety could really stand a good kick in the ass to knock some sense into them.  

Therapy is helpful, of course, and medication can be helpful short-term for many people.  But most people would benefit from just taking a look at their lives and what they want, what their priorities are and what they should be.  I know it worked for me.  I was in therapy for a year and a half, and I was on meds for a very short time (all they did was make me feel stoned/drunk/tired/anxious/constipated).  The therapy was enormously helpful, mainly because I could hear myself talk out loud to someone who gave me logical responses.  At first my therapist thought I maybe had ADHD because I am such a spazz.  Then she thought it could be alcoholism because 99% of my stories started with “when I was drunk”.  Then she thought it could be bipolar since I do have periods of severe depression, but I really don’t have a lot of extreme highs.  Well, the more I talked I guess it just seemed to her like my issue was kind of situational, like, I do have times when I just feel melancholy for not real reason, but generally my depression and anxiety are caused by something specific. 

The recurring theme was unfulfilling relationships.  I have always had a few really close friends I feel comfortable with and can always talk to.  But during the 18 months of therapy my primary friendship had become the main source of my depression and anxiety.  The first thing I said to my therapist was that my BFF was cheating on his boyfriend and lying to me about all sorts of things.  I knew I had issues deeper than a dishonest friend, but what caused them?  Low self-esteem, it turns out.  I never really demanded more from people, I just always kind of took what they gave me because I hated myself and felt lucky to have any friends at all. 

As the months of therapy went on my grandmother and great uncle died, I started grad school, and I decided to stop drinking for a while.  I noticed a change in myself–the depression and anxiety were still there, but I was seeing things more clearly.  Not being drunk all the time helps with that.  I was seeing my life for what it was, what I had turned it into, and I was not happy.  I kept thinking about my recently-deceased grandmother and how she was always concerned about our happiness, even when she was dying in the hospital.  She asked me one day how work was going, and I said, “It’s alright–it’s a job.”  “You need to be happy in your job,” she replied, and it made me want to cry.  She’s right.  Why just float by at work being miserable but getting paid?  She wanted all of us to be happy, and I was anything but.

My BFF was not adjusting to my new life.  He couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to go out and drink all the time, and said maybe I should just drink less, not stop drinking altogether.  He wouldn’t make time for me.  Plans were usually cancelled.  But I knew he was doing something he shouldn’t be doing.  My instincts were becoming stronger; my grandmother had great intuition, and I think it passed onto me because I always had a feeling when something was happening.  I was always right.

I was not about to look back, however, no matter how unsupportive some people may have been.  School was my priority, being happy and making my family proud were my goals.  I may have to leave some people behind, I thought, but that was okay.  If they are no longer serving me, if they do not wish to be part of a happier life, they are not friends. 

So I moved on, but it did not happen overnight.  There were many more months of turmoil and betrayal in my friendship, and then I finally realized that it was enough.  I ended it, knowing it was going to be tough for me to move forward but understanding that it was the only right thing to do for the both of us.  He had acknowledged a few months earlier that he had been holding me back; he saw that I was getting my life together, and the fact that he had continued his negative behaviour was affecting my progress.  I didn’t want to look at it that way, but he was right.  It was only fair to end the relationship.  We had spent time apart a few times and it was always good for me.  This time it was my decision–well, I decided that I had to finally say that it was over, but it had been over for over a year at that point anyway.  I needed to say it so we both believed it. 

My attitude about life is far different from what it was last year.  I have my priorities together, I have a plan, I have expectations of my friends and loved ones that I will not apologize for.  Unconditional love, honesty, and time are what everyone wants from the people they cherish.  I will not feel guilty for needing those things.  I am normal (at least when it comes to that, lol!).  I have stopped creating problems for myself, and the people who were interfering with my happiness are no longer part of my life.  I changed from a drunken ho with no direction to a sober, healthy, chaste (!) woman with a clear idea of who she is and where she’s going.  I did it myself, through lots of self-reflection and time alone, sober.  I chose to be a party girl for all those years, and I am getting close to not judging myself for it anymore.  Now I choose a different life, one that’s more fulfilling and meaningful.  I am not better than anyone, nor is my story unique.  I had to find my own way, and it took a very long time.  I tried for a lot of years to “fix” other people; it was a way of validating my self-worth, and it was a way to avoid dealing with my issues.  But being a martyr is not much fun, and it never works anyway.  “For no one can purify another” is a great way to approach life and relationships.  I made lots of difficult decisions that I do not regret.  I am hardly pure, but I’m a happier version of me than I have ever been.

Assholes are assholes for a reason

Try to become a good human being with a warm heart, regardless of whether you are a politician, a religious person, a businessman or whatever.  One’s individual behavior can contribute to the making of a happier family and community.

His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, Live in a Better Way: Reflections on Truth, Love, and Happiness

 

It is cliche, but a smile is infectious.  It’s more difficult to be unhappy when there are positive vibes all around.  Happiness essentially comes from within, as we are all born happy, but things do happen along the way to embitter us and to create anger and fear.  But we are, at heart, positive and wish to live well and treat others well.  When we experience good things we are more likely to continue to do good things.  Whatever you do in life, wherever you go, with whomever you interact, smile, be compassionate, and understand that the other person is looking for happiness just as much as you are. 

It does take a village to raise a child, but it only takes one negative person or experience to break that child’s spirit who will turn into a miserable adult.  Your smile may be the one small thing that makes a difference.  I notice this when I’m shopping and the cashier is just going through the motions, not making eye contact and just waiting to punch out for the day.  I have been that employee at most of my jobs.  I know what was beneath the surface, why I treated others so poorly when they had nothing to do with my situation.  So when I experience people like this these days I don’t get snotty right back like I used to.  That’s not helpful for anyone, so why do it?  I’m normally polite and courteous to strangers anyway, but I try even harder to be nice when I encounter angry individuals like that.  I make sure to say please and thank you and to tell them to have a nice day and I usually manage to get a smile out of them.  They sound relieved when I say goodbye, as if I were the first person to ever say that to them.  When you get negativity in response to your negativity, it just weighs you down.  I may be the only nice person that employee interacts with all day.  I take comfort in that, and I believe that they do too.

When I worked at a grocery store bakery many years ago I was pretty much rude to all of my customers.  When one lady said something about my attitude, I apologized to her and said that we were not treated very well by the store management or the  company so we don’t always handle things the right way.  I believed that the atmosphere of the store filtered down from the top.  Most of my coworkers were pretty pissed off every day, but I was probably the most vocal.  It wasn’t a job I wanted to be in, and I certainly saw no future there.  I was just (barely) paying my bills.  I wasn’t trying to do anything more with my life, despite my lofty goals of fame and fortune as a renaissance woman.  So I took no responsibility for my position in life.  It was the store manager’s fault, it was the bakery manager’s fault, it was that asshole customer’s fault.  They pissed me off so how could I get anywhere?  And while I still do believe that the store’s atmosphere starts at the top, it is how everyone reacts to that that makes it a pleasant or unpleasant place to be.  Understanding that assholes are assholes for a reason, and it’s usually not because they are happy people.  I know it’s hard to deal with people who have no respect for their employees and who seem to be all ego and no skills.  But you are there to do your job as best you can.  I hated pretty much everything about that place except for the ladies I worked directly with in the bakery.  When I was offered an assistant manager position with barely any pay increase, I took it simply because I knew it would benefit the bakery as a whole.  I was already kind of doing the job, and I knew it was just make everyone’s lives easier if I was assistant bakery sales manager.   I didn’t behave any differently in my new role, I just got paid twenty-five cents extra per hour. 

But as the twenty-something chick in a staff of women ages fifty through seventy-something, I was far different in personality: I was no Edith Bunker and took no shit from any so-called superiors.  And I’m not saying I always handled things in the most mature, respectful fashion, but at the time I felt that giving back the bullshit I was getting was the only way to get my point across.  This made some of the ladies nervous, but I knew no other way.  And frankly, I didn’t give a damn!  I wasn’t about to let some cheating, lying asshole store manager call me and the other bakery ladies girls or to just flat out subject us to his douchebaggery.  I was not having it!  I made like $8.50 an hour (if that!) and was really not about it.  Our jackass supervisor would come in and criticize–never one time did he say hello, ask how we were, give any compliments–no, it was always an immediate critique of some miniscule thing that he thought was out of place.  One day he complained about the way I packaged some large pound cakes and wouldn’t listen to why I had done them that way.  He walked away.  So I went after him with an overwrapped angel food cake and threw it down on the table in front of him as an example of shitty packaging.    He took me out to the sales floor, his bald head reddening, and yelled at me to change my attitude.  I instructed him that he needed to change his first, saying that if he came in there and treated us like human beings and told us how nice things look for only working with half a staff, how hard we are working and that he was grateful for our efforts, then a few criticisms would be appropriate.   His bad attitude and overinflated sense of self–and for a fucking bakery supervisor at a failing grocery store chain he sure had a sense of grandiosity about his ass!–couldn’t help but affect the rest of us.  The next time he came in he was phony as fuck and polite and all how are you? and the new display looks nice and shit.  I was equally fake, but at least I got him to notice the positive things we were doing every day.

I still quit, and he wound up quitting a few months after I did.  But when I look back on that and chuckle at my fuck you attitude, I remember how good it felt to speak my peace.  I also remember how pissed off I was all the time.  And it wasn’t just because of assholes at work; that job, and all of my other shitty jobs, were symptoms of my unhappiness, not causes.  I don’t know what the hell happened to those guys to make them behave the way they did.  But I see now that my behaviour was not rooted in the misery of my workplace, rather its seeds were within my Self.  So now when I encounter people like the Old Me I act with more compassion, I am not quick to judge.  It is up to them to decide to make their lives better.  I know all about feeling stuck, but I also realize now that you allow yourself to feel stuck.  There are always options.  So why not opt for happiness?  That will  make others happy in turn, and that is something we need more of in this life. 

Bitter Bread

Work is love made visible.
And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy.
For if you bake bread with indifference, you bake a bitter bread that feeds but half man’s hunger.
And if you grudge the crushing of the grapes, your grudge distils a poison in the wine.
And if you sing though as angels, and love not the singing, you muffle man’s ears to the voices of the day and the voices of the night.

Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

 

I first read these words as a teenager, but I’m not sure they really made sense until I read them again in my twenties.  The line that struck me the most, and the one that I still think about every day is “For if you bake bread with indifference, you bake a bitter bread that feeds but half man’s hunger.”  Wow.  Doesn’t that just sound logical?  Now that I am fairly well-read in Buddhist thought it reminds me of the Noble Eightfold Path, which is a set of guidelines for living a good life that leads you to enlightenment.  Specifically, the concept of Right Intention comes to mind when I read that line; it really does matter why you do things and how you feel when you do things.  If you are not mindful of what you do and say, if you are just going through the motions, or if you are angry while performing certain acts–as charitable as they might be–the results will still be tainted. 

Many of us go to work everyday at jobs we hate or just don’t care about.  We make minimal effort, we get paid, and that’s all we care about.  Many of these jobs seem meaningless in the grand scheme of things, and we can feel angry or sad that we are not doing more to contribute to society.  This can be very frustrating and can create a sense of despair and indifference which affects our performance–even if we are getting our work done correctly and on time, without a true belief in the work we do, we suffer and the work suffers.  But we must understand that even the most menial jobs are important.  Nobody works alone, truly alone.  Someone who works in a small office may feel like a nobody because they make little money, they hold no important title in the company, and they have no chance to advance.  But there may be someone else in the office who looks forward to seeing them every day, someone whose day is just a bit brighter every time they see that person, hear them answer the phone, or smell their leftover pizza being reheated in the microwave for lunch.  And even if that person is unaware of the impact they have, however small that impact is that person is important.  Their absence would certainly be noticed.    

What does that have to do with the Gibran quote?  Everything.  Our jobs may suck, we may be miserable in them, we may feel stuck, but we also must recognize that we are responsible for our own lives.  Our happiness is personal, self-created, but it also affects others.  Why go through life indifferent and careless and without passion?  Why blame others for what we think we lack?  Why not be happy instead, grateful for what God has given us?  It is the wanting   that makes us feel unsatisfied, that causes us to bake bitter bread that feeds only half of our hunger.  It is not a good way to go through life, half-assed and without a feeling of responsibility.  Who wants to be around someone who doesn’t care?  Life is for the living, not for those who simply  exist.  If you are not happy with where you are and what you are doing, if you cannot see any reason to go on the way you are, then it is up to you to change it. 

My mother is a great cook, as were my grandmothers.  My mom learned how to cook from her mom, and she does make some of the same dishes and desserts that Baba used to make.  They taste generally the same, but there is something special about Baba’s cooking that nobody will ever recreate.  I cannot cook like my mother, and my children will not be able to cook like me.  It’s not that anyone is necessarily a better cook than anyone else, because all the food I’ve been fed by my family over the years has been great!  But it matters who cooks, it matters what they felt inside as they made that food for the people they love.  There is nothing like Baba’s love.  There will never again be anything like Baba’s bread, for she never cooked with indifference.  Food is love–any ethnic person can tell you that!  Do everything you do with love and compassion, with mindfulness.  There is no purpose in serving bitter bread.

He that speaketh lies

A false witness shall not be unpunished; and he that speaketh lies shall perish.

Proverbs, 19:9

 

I’m still waiting for the chickens to come home to roost with some of the false witnesses and people who speaketh lies that I know.  Over the past few years I have had plenty of such doomed souls in my life.  I have done my best to remove them from my inner circle, outer circle, and overall radar, knowing that having such devils in my presence was dragging me down and preventing me from getting my shit together.  Of course, I have had my share of personal problems that did not involve such people, but there were circumstances that directly involved these folks that exacerbated any previous issues I was having. 

I’m trying to be a better Christian and don’t want to wish bad things on anyone, even if they are not doing the right things in life.  But it’s natural to want bad people to be punished, especially if they fucked you over!  I’m trying to work through that, to just let it go and know that God will take care of them when the time comes, but I’m not a patient woman–it’s my tragic flaw.  I see these people moving forward with their life plans and other things they are involved with and it seems like they are not suffering any consequences for their negative activities.  That makes me mad–sorry, but it does!  Why are cheaters allowed to stay in relationships with those whom they betrayed?  Why are liars still getting away with blatant falsehoods?  Why is snobbish behaviour rewarded with laughter and popularity?

It’s very frustrating.  I have told the occasional white lie, but I never just made shit up to try to cover up for bad behaviour, behaviour I was raised to think is normal.  I have never been a cheater.  I have never been a snob.  But I see lots of people, former friends and some strangers, who are just completely dishonest human beings to the core, and they do not appear to be suffering at all because of it.  I guess I shouldn’t assume they are happy or healthy just because I see them out and about being sociable.  But to me, if you do bad things, nobody should want to associate with you, nobody honest and decent, anyway.  I understand that people have their own morality codes, and that just because someone chats with someone casually in a bar doesn’t mean that they know what’s really going on, nor does it necessarily mean that they approve.  I don’t mind sounding judgmental because I think sometimes you should judge your loved ones, like when they are hurting themselves or someone else with their behaviour.  Most people who lie, cheat, steal, act superior, have underlying emotional problems, so maybe it’s not fair to judge them, but when that behaviour is a lifestyle and they are constantly hurting you by what they do and say, it’s only right to tell them so and to criticize. 

I know we’re not supposed to judge others, that we should let God deal with such things, but it’s challenging when people you care about are rubbing their bullshit in your face every day.  And everybody’s parents fucked them up a little bit, so that excuse can only go so far.  When does your behaviour become your responsibility?  When are you going to be made to deal with your problems and with the suffering you cause to others?  When shall thee parish?

Much of the anger I have had over people like this has melted away into pity for them, for how sad they must truly be to have behaved so badly in the first place.  Even though there have been apologies it is not enough when the behaviour continues.  But I have learned a lot about forgiveness throughout all of this, and I know that forgiveness it for the forgiver, not those forgiven.  As angry as I was for a long time, those assholes were still out there, cheating, lying, and having their kind of fun.  I was just a bitter woman sitting at home crying about it.  And those people are still out there, cheating, lying, drinking to much, acting like their shit don’t stink, wreaking havoc upon everyone in their path, the destruction not even recognized as such until it’s far too late.

For me, right now, I am still somewhat frustrated that those people are getting away with murder.  They still have “friends”, though how serious and true those friendships are I don’t know.  They are still out and about and acting like they’re somebody important.  I laugh at them, I avoid them, I take solace in knowing that I am better off without them.  I am proud to have moved on from that chapter of my life that concerned them.  I’m not better than anyone, but I am honest.  That’s all I can say for certain.  I know who I am, and I don’t need to pretend to be somebody else to impress a bunch of assholes I don’t know.  The friends I have held onto are awesome, and I never question their honesty or loyalty, and they never question mine.

I know that, when we meet our Maker, we will all have to answer for our actions.  I hope that those who have wronged me and others will realize the errors of their ways before it’s too late.  The Proverb declares that those who lead such dishonest lives shall not go unpunished and shall perish for certain.  That’s good enough for me.